Friday ze 13th!

the replacement disk for my computer is en route. it's been 2 months since I've been able to post photographs! it's been annoying... especially since it was my fault in the first place...
*
I can be kind of impulsive sometimes. sort of.
*
but I have been TAKING pictures, and the climate has been stellar, and everything that was making me miserable in march is no longer applicable, and I'm typing this (on my phone) whilst languishing in a RAY OF SUNSHINE, and life is good. it's not until spring that I'm annually startled anew by how much winters here fuck with my head...
*
last night I read "Oliver Twink", a short story by Dennis Cooper. it's a dialogue between a manipulative enabler and a heroin addict. they talk about self loathing, admit their 'love' for one another, tell each other to fuck off... it totally freaked me out. it reminded me of the real reason why I decided not to move back to Alaska- I didn't want to be haunted by what people I cared deeply about had done to themselves. I didn't want to worry about them, or run into them and see that they looked like shit, or hear stories, or have to filter everything they said and did through the miasma of their addiction. I am ashamed that this is the ultimate reason, and I haven't really talked or written about it AT ALL; and conveniently, anchorage is still under record-breaking April snow and I can justify my decision to stagnate in seattle based simply on the weather. but now you all know: it's not the weather, it's because I don't want to be around THAT.
"Oliver Twink" was very well-written. just... ugh. it had that seedy 'American Psycho' hangover feeling: did I need that? is my brain better off for being exposed to that?
*
that's a good litmus test for just about anything, really.
*
i can't read what I've already written, so I'm just going to publish this and hope that it doesn't seethe with bland incoherence. THERE WILL BE PHOTOGRAPHS AND CHIPPER CAPTIONS SOON, if only just for my own assuagement.
*
GOD: I will come to you, freeze you, break you.
THE OCEAN: I will spread myself like wings. I am a billion tiny feathers. you have no idea what's happened to me.
-dave eggers