humans

I have been feeling eerily benevolent lately, which makes flares of irritation even more unnerving and shocking. like today: I got on a crowded bus and sat down next to an older women. she was in the middle of both seats, despite not being a large person. "can you scoot over?" I asked her. "I'm falling into the aisle." I smiled as I asked. and she looked at me and turned away. well, you know what? FUCK YOU, LADY. you're in public, on public transportation, and you can't behave in an accommodating manner? I didn't even stink! I was instantly, ferociously pissed. I put on my headphones and listened to "tusk" at top volume. uh, yeah, that'll show her....
and as the bus continued on, I analyzed my own visceral assholery. why the fuck did I take it so personally? maybe she's some clueless but affable matron whose car just broke down, and she's taking the bus for the first time EVER, and she doesn't realize she ought to move over when someone sits beside her. maybe her kid was just in an accident. maybe she just got a horrible medical diagnosis and the last thing she wants to deal with is some surly frizzy-haired hag's tinny headphone din...

my head is usually somewhere up my ass whether I realize it or not.

today: old dogs with white faces dragging unheld leashes behind them as they followed their people. overhearing conversations about Roald Dahl books. salted almond chocolate. finally-well-made kale chips. heat on, window open, rain falling. singing "climb every mountain" to my cat before I realized What I've Become. eating peanuts and reading about Sumatra. an old woman wearing a hat made out of green tinsel and festooned with ornaments, smiling at everyone she passed. coconut vanilla tea. Frankie Goes to Hollywood. tortilla-scented hands. nutmeg-scented candles. A Wreath of Franklins. the city air is palpable.

-16th and John. this IS a problem.
-GOD DAMN IT. every time I see these fucking "proposed land use action" signs, I want to burst into tears. it's never good news.
-leis in trees, Fremont. the guy who hangs out on the sidewalk near 36th and Phinney, throwing dirt and occasionally snarling if he's in a bad mood, making cairns and playing Paul Simon on his boombox if he's happy? he was in a good mood today. he watched me take this photo. "hi there" I said. "hello" he said back, smiling, looking completely content. I see him nearly every time I'm in Fremont. I like him, I look for him. He's Fremont's equivalent of Anchorage's Floyd, but more outwardly complicated.

"She shows me where they organized an Easter egg hunt last year and walks to a spot where a man was executed, or dumped after being executed elsewhere.
"'He had bullets in his head,' she says. "'His head was all full of holes.'
"'How terrible,' I say.
"She shrugs.
"'It sure ruined our egg hunt,' she says."
-Luis Alberto Urrea